


Return of the Metrosexuals

by shittystorywriter



Category: South Park
Genre: Consumerism, Shopping, metrosexual fad, really short, this probably best fits two seasons ago
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-28
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-07-18 11:44:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16117742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shittystorywriter/pseuds/shittystorywriter
Summary: The metrosexual fad returns and Kyle is not liking it.





	Return of the Metrosexuals

The metrosexual fad had recently returned to South Park. It seemed that Tweek and Craig's popularity as a gay couple played a part in the catalyst for the trend revival, although nobody was sure why. Male Youtube celebrities slathering pricey creams onto their faces while behaving like caricatures of Paris Hilton may have also played a role. And, of course, the town's recent presence of hip clothing stores, a Whole Foods supermarket, and trendy wine bars probably didn't hurt.

American men were starting to get in touch with their inner divas again, and businesses loved all the extra sales they were raking in. It wasn't long before the malls were crowded with dads and their sons shopping for new clothing, scented candles and overpriced skincare products.

Kyle swore that this was another attempt at world domination by the Crab People, but none of the guys would listen to what he had to say. They were all too busy talking about pedicures and hair products and the hottest fabrics for fall.

Tweek and Craig couldn't have cared less about fashion and frivolous consumerism, to the shock of many. Everyone expected the gay couple to be giggling and prancing around the mall carrying Starbucks coffees while they racked up credit card debt like all the other guys. But Tweek thought that Starbucks coffee tasted like sludge, and much preferred to carry his own less trendy coffee cup. And both of them got really bored shopping for clothes, so they were the only guys in town not eagerly rushing into the Banana Republic that week to catch the super sale on summer wear. Craig decided he no longer gave any fucks if he looked cool or not, so he stuck to wearing basic jeans and t-shirts, even though Cartman called him a flaming heterosexual and other names every day at school. Tweek was never very cool to start with, and he could barely button his own shirt, so adding more stressful decisions to his wardrobe was the last thing on his mind.

The only other unenthusiastic mall goer was Kyle, wearing an uncomfortably tight outfit that his friends picked out for him and forced him to wear. He sat slumped on the bench next to the gay "it" couple, as they waited for their friends to come out of the Banana whatever store.

"Why aren't you in there shopping with the rest of them?" Craig questioned, not looking up from his cellphone. Tweek and him were in the middle of watching cute guinea pig videos.

Kyle curiously craned his neck to look at the guinea pigs on Craig's phone. "I told you guys, I'm not metrosexual. I fucking hate shopping, and clothes, and-"

"KYLE!!" Stan yelled, giddily running halfway out of the store. He held up an emerald green scarf, knitted in a classic Nordic winter pattern.

"Oh my god, look what I found! This is so you," Stan beamed, looking particularly proud with himself for his ability to pick out green items and proclaim them all to be Kyle's style.

Kyle rolled his eyes for the tenth time that day. "Yeah, I don't think I really need another scarf."

"Oh, come on! This would look so cute with that tan corduroy jacket!"

"Yeah, and I didn't really need that jacket either, but you guys insisted-"

"Kyle! You have to try on this sweater!" Kenny interrupted, standing at the edge of the store. He held up a burnt orange colored sweater. "It's a pumpkin color! Just your style, and perfect for fall!"

"Ooh, y-y-you guys, speaking of puh-puh-pumpkins, they have puh-pumpkin spice scented hand cream for m-m-men down at Bath and Body Works!" Jimmy yelled excitedly. "I tried a sample, and it smells fah-fahbulous!"

"Oh my god! Really? We're so going there next!" Stan replied, excited.

"Hold on, girlfriend! I need another pumpkin spice latte first!" Kenny added, muffled through his hood. The rest of them chuckled.

"Oh, Ken doll, if you're going to Starbucks I'm totally coming with. I've been craving a triple caramel fudge frappuchino with extra whipped cream ALL DAY," Clyde said giddily.

"Oh my god, me too!" Cartman grinned. "After all this shopping I could use an energy boost!"

"Okay, so after this, we're going to Starbucks, then Bath and Body Works, then The Express, then H&M, and by the time we're done we should have just enough time to check out the sale at Macy's!" Stan explained. The rest of them nodded.

Kyle groaned and facepalmed. This was gonna be a long ass day.


End file.
